


All Things Amazing

by simplymoa



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-23
Updated: 2011-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4850846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplymoa/pseuds/simplymoa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A glimpse into Tommy's thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Things Amazing

**Title:** All Things Amazing  
**Fandom:** Adam Lambert  
**Author:** something_rare/felicityfic/aidalma  
**Pairing:** Adam/Tommy  
**Word Count:** 3,700 words  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** Slash Connotations  
**Summary:** A glimpse into Tommy's thoughts.  
**Disclaimer:** None of this is real. No harm or disrespect was intended.  
**Beta:** This would not be possible without the amazing [](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/profile)[**bigj52**](http://bigj52.livejournal.com/). Thank you! <3

 

  
Tommy entered the room, his eyes looking around it. Monte was leaning against the wall on the right, his phone in his hands, and Tommy knew he was talking to Lisa. Tommy laughed privately, the corners of his lips barely turning up, letting the others into his own bliss. Monte loved Lisa so very much; it was visible in everything around him. The way he spoke of her, the way he smiled when she entered the room, how much he missed her and the kids when she couldn’t join them on the tour, and how his eyes danced when she talked to him. Monte was so much in love Tommy couldn’t help but feel jealous.

He sighed inwardly, hoping no one heard it. He turned around, trying to see the rest of the band, trying to see if they had realized his reaction, and let himself calm down when they did not even turn his way, too focused on the moment to hear much else.

"Have any of you seen my drumsticks?!"

Tommy’s head turned of its own accord, more out of habit than out of need, and his eyes focused on Isaac's. He was rummaging through his bag, shirts and socks already on the floor, while still trying to find the missing piece. Tommy smiled tenderly. Some things were never going to change, he told himself. And he knew he was right. He had known Isaac for over a year now, and he still saw youth and joviality in Isaac’s eyes.

How could he not see it? How could his eyes decide to blind themselves when he was proud to say he had the honor to be in the same band with Isaac? How could he not know Isaac’s fears and achievements, when for the past year he had been there to watch them? How could he not feel grateful when Isaac was one of the few people Tommy cared for so deeply?

Except for _him_.

"Choose another pair!"

Tommy turned to his left, Cam's smile looking back at him. She leant over and picked up her boot, sitting on the couch to tie it up. Tommy heard her laughter before she continued her comment.

"You've got another pair in your bag, don't you?"

Isaac looked up long enough to glare at her, a sour smile on his lips, and then turned his attention back to his bag.

"That's not the point," Isaac answered, "I want _that_ pair."

"Oh, please," this time it was Monte who interacted with both Isaac and Cam, his hands closing his cell phone before putting it inside his own bag, "Like most of your drumsticks don't look the same."

Tommy was surprised to see that Monte had one ear on the conversation taking place between Isaac and Cam, and the other one on his own conversation with Lisa. He smiled to himself, his eyes clearing, forcing himself to remember that piece of information for the near future. It had been long enough since the last time he had blackmailing info on Monte and he had every intention to use it against the older man.

"No, my friend, they don't." Isaac finally accepted that his beloved drumsticks were not in his bag and left it alone, the items held within, still on the nearby floor. "You think they do because, let me tell you Monte, you're getting old. Your sight is the first thing you lose, you know?"

Monte took a seat on the couch, ran his fingers through his hair, even though he knew he shouldn't have, having already gone through hair and make-up, and glared back. "I might be older than you, my friend, but at least I know where I put my things, while you..."

He did not need to finish the thought for the rest of the band to catch on, or for it to bother Isaac. Even though Monte was right, out of all of them, he was the one that misplaced things the most. Isaac would always blame it on the fact that they were constantly moving from place to place far too much for him to recall every little step of their already busy schedules. They let him get away with it. Just barely.

"Maybe you left it in the hotel, do you think, Isaac?"

Cam, at least, was trying to be of some help. Finally having both boots on, she stood up and walked to the side of the room where their instruments were placed, and looked around.

"Nah," Isaac shook his head, looking at Cam then walked over to where the rest of the bags were, "I'm pretty sure I brought them in."

Cam looked up from her small search and shrugged. "You always say that, Isaac then we end up finding them in the room."

Monte laughed, his eyes dancing and that beautiful smile lighting up the room. It was probably his smile that made Tommy wander back to the beginning of this crazy journey. All the times Monte would walk into his hotel room in a rush, his eyes shining with excitement, to tell him about the latest song arrangement he had made – how ‘sick’ it was. Those were some of the things Tommy missed the most, the intimacy he and Monte used to have. Not that they didn’t anymore. Their journey had certainly brought them closer, but... Tommy sighed softly, frustrated at the fact that he couldn’t seem to find words to describe it. It was just not the same.

Even though the trust and love they had for each other would always be there, which reassured and strengthened Tommy more than he let Monte know, there were still some things Monte did not know. Things Tommy knew Monte did not know about _him_. Monte knew Tommy would always be there when he needed Tommy. He knew Monte would always be there when Tommy needed him. But that was beside the point. And that was what really frustrated Tommy.

He let both Cam and Isaac search for another minute, still finding nothing, before he spoke up. "On the couch, by the TV, under your jacket. You threw it there as soon as you entered, just forgot to do it _after_ you threw the jacket."

Isaac did not even look at Tommy, not really having to do it to know Tommy was right. He walked to the couch and found his drumsticks he’d left there. He sighed, more out of childishness at the fact that Tommy remembered while he didn't, than out of annoyance, and fixed his eyes on Tommy’s. There was a small smile on his lips, a tender reminder that Tommy had stamped his mark on him through that year. "Thanks, man."

Tommy shrugged. "No problem."

"How do you do that?"

Tommy turned to look at Cam, her soft eyes piercing his, recognizing the question in that habit. Tommy did not say anything for a moment, knowing she wasn't finished.

"How do you remember everything we do, we say, we touch? How do you remember  
where we leave our things even better than ourselves?"

By that time Monte and Isaac were looking at Tommy too, their eyes waiting for an answer. Tommy shrugged again, not really needing to vocalize that... instinct of his. He just did not know, and that was why he did not say anything. He really did not have anything to say.

"How can you not know?"

Monte sounded so sure of his question, it was like he had actually heard Tommy’s thought.

"I don't know." That was all Tommy said. He paused for a moment then added as an afterthought. "I just... it's something I've learned this year. Maybe out of necessity." Either his or theirs, Tommy didn’t know either. "Maybe out of habit. I'm still not sure."

Cam looked hard at him, trying to convince herself if that was really Tommy’s answer or not. Tommy thought, out of them all, she would be the one to understand it most. She was the only one who remembered parts of the schedule and did not have to ask as much about it. She was the one Tommy went to when he wanted to talk and not really worry about anything else. And the way her eyes widened slightly, how her eyebrow slid down slowly, Tommy knew she knew. Tommy stopped himself from snorting, not wanting the others to take it the wrong way. Cam knew then, read it straight from Tommy’s eyes. She knew Tommy’s need to control things, to know things about his friends surpassed mere friendship and ran deeper than he let on. Then again, Tommy knew, by reading her eyes, that she did not know the whole truth.

Tommy patted himself mentally, smiling to himself at his control of his emotions. There was no way anyone else was going to know the truth behind the lie. It was too risky - he had told himself over the months in the darkness of his room while looking at the ever similar ceilings of the different hotels. And it was. A wrong word, a wrong smile or look and everything would crumble in front of his eyes.

Sometimes Adam felt like Tommy was about to go crazy with having to control everything he said or did. At not being able to be free with the people he trusted and cared the most about in his life. But there were things that just could not be known. _That_ was one of them.

Before Tommy could submerge deeper into his emotions, and fears at the same time, the door opened and shut rather quickly, bringing Tommy’s attention to it.

Adam entered the room, a bright smile on his lips and his bag of make-up in his hand. Tommy held himself back before laughing out loud, making everyone believe he had lost his sanity. It was just that the picture - Adam's eyes bright with joy, a full grin on his lips always made Tommy smile. Even in his darkest hours, Tommy knew Adam would make him feel alive.

It was so strange. It felt like Adam had been gone for even an hour, maybe even more, but Tommy knew for sure he hadn't. Tommy knew everybody walked into that room after they were done with hair and make-up, Adam being the last one. And, by the make-up bag in his hands, Tommy could imagine Adam had probably left to do the final touches himself. Tommy let himself smile tenderly. Sutan, a professional make-up artist and his ‘life-partner’ was with them on the tour, yet Adam always insisted on doing the final touches himself.

Adam walked over to the make-up stand, standing in front of it, instead of sitting down. It was a rather weird habit of his, but they had all become used to it. After all, living the way they had lived for over a year, they had to get used to too many things. That was just one of them.

"What?" Tommy heard Isaac ask from the side, his drumsticks in his hands as he walked to the cooler and got out a bottle of water, "You're still not done? We're about to be called."

Adam shrugged naturally, running his mascara against his lashes and trying to fade the rough edges of the eye shadow with the tip of his finger. "They won’t start without me."

"We still have some time." Cam added from the side, looking at her watch then back at them. "We've got about ten more minutes."

"See?" Adam applied more mascara, eyeing Tommy from time to time through the mirror, probably expecting Tommy to tell him to hurry up too, "I still have time."

Tommy smiled tenderly. He loved that. There was nothing else he could say about it, besides the fact that he loved that face. The man standing in front of the make-up stand, not even six feet from where he was standing held Tommy’s heart in his hands and did not even know it. The man that a year ago Tommy Joe Ratliff fell in love with.

Tommy felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes and he took two deep breaths to calm himself. He did not want to cry because of the love he felt for Adam. He did not want to cry over something that filled his heart with a turmoil of emotions whenever he looked at Adam. He did not want to cry over something that was a matter of joy instead of hurt.

There were many things Tommy regretted in his life. Not spending enough time with his father before his death. Not being able to be there for his mother. Not understanding sooner that, even though he cared for women, he did not love them the way he should have loved the person he was going to spend the rest of his life with. But he would never, ever, regret falling in love with Adam.

He knew he had lost a lot. He knew he had lost the idealization of the wife, 2.5 kids, and a house with the picket fence. But he knew he could deal with anything. He knew he had dealt with everything that had come his way until that point, either personal or professional, but at the same time he knew he would not be able to handle it if someone told him he was wrong in loving Adam. Let alone Adam himself.

He was risking his neck as it was. He was risking his career by his little ‘play’ with Adam every night on the stage during ‘Fever’. More important than anything else, he was risking his sanity.

It did hurt. Tommy could not lie to himself saying it didn't. It did. It hurt seeing Adam every day and just being his friend.

He tried not to let it hurt so much, though. He tried not to let it get to him as much as it did whenever he looked at Adam and touched him but could not tell him how he felt. He tried not to feel jealous or hurt when Adam went out with boys and then seeing him coming out of his room the morning after with a smile on his face, knowing he got lucky. Tommy tried to keep his voice steady the night Adam had told him about the boy he had met and liked. He tried not to die when Adam told him how happy that boy made him.

Tommy tried to be only his friend.

That was part of his job. That was part of who he was. As long as he was Adam’s friend, as long as he had got that little piece of Adam and of his heart, Tommy knew he could deal with anything else. Or so he told himself.

Tommy realized he had been deep in thoughs for far too long, probably even ignoring the band, when Monte's voice brought him from his musings.

"Tommy?"

Tommy blinked a couple of times before turning to look at the guitarist. Monte’s head was tilted to the side, his blue eyes piercing Tommy’s soul and Tommy knew Monte was asking himself if everything was alright. He would want to talk with Tommy that night, Tommy knew for sure. He would go to Tommy’s room after the concert and ask him how he was doing. He did not know, and Tommy did not plan to tell him, but he did know that Tommy had been going into his own little world far too often lately.

'I should watch it', Tommy chastised himself, 'before too long, one of them might worry too much and start asking questions I don't want them asking.'

Monte blinked once, and then smiled doubtfully, the spark not quite reaching his eyes. "You ready?"

Tommy nodded. He looked at his band mates. His friends. The people he cared and trusted most in the world, even if there was a teeny bitsy piece of information he had not given away yet.

Isaac picked up his drumsticks between his thumb and forefinger and rolled them around slowly. He smiled, walked over to the closet and took off his shirt. Tommy could see his tattoos perfectly fine from where he was standing. Isaac’s eyes, once again, found Tommy’s. He, too, wanted to know. He, too, was worried about Tommy.

A hand moving in his peripheral vision caught Tommy’s eyes. Running her fingers through her hair, which Tommy had the feeling she was going to mess up even if she didn’t notice, Cam stretched up a little bit, trying to reach the ceiling. She stood up and walked to where Isaac was, picking up her coat on the way.

Practically jumping to his feet, Monte stood up and reached for his jacket. He put it on, arranged the collar that always seems to stand up whenever he wore a coat, and then looked at Tommy. He tilted his head to the side, a soft smile on his lips. His eyes calmed Tommy somehow. He had always had that effect on Tommy. It was like he radiated peacefulness and it was just impossible for him not to feel it too.

Adam ran the eyeliner one last time over his eyes before putting his top hat on and running his thumb and index finger over the brim. He did that every single time. It was a habit of his that everybody had gotten used to by then.  
He walked to the closet, retrieved his coat, and turned around. Holding it by the neck, Adam put his right arm in first, then moved his left hand to the edge of the collar and turned the coat over his head, putting his left arm in.

He turned around, already set for the show, and looked at Tommy. Tommy could feel all their eyes on him, his eyes not really being able to focus on anything besides Adam's third shirt button. It was like, for just a moment, his mind seemed to lose interest in everything around him.

That scared him. It scared him because the longer he spaced out, the more opportunity he gave the others to realize something was different in him. He blinked once, then twice, until finally he was able to look at his band mates looking back at him. He smiled slightly, not quite reaching his eyes, but not his fake smile either, since every one could recognize that in a heartbeat, the corners of his mouth barely turning up. It, apparently, reassured them that Tommy was alright.

Cam opened the door, walking out of the room. Isaac joined her, Monte at his side. Adam, too, walked out. Suddenly Tommy was alone in the dressing room, everything around him cold, lifeless. Maybe it was his self-preservation instinct, or his responsibility to his job, that made him walk to the closet, pick up his guitar and walk out of the room.

Still, as he joined his band, Tommy knew his heart was not really in it. Somehow, he had let everything around him influence him and his spirit had been shot to hell in point two seconds.

They heard the stage manager telling them to get in positions but for Tommy it was like every sound was muffled by something bigger, something deeper.

The band walked forward, over to the stage, but Tommy was stuck in his place, his feet not moving at all, his guitar still in his hands, his eyes unfocused.

Not seeing Tommy by his side, Adam turned around, his eyes searching for Tommy’s. Tommy felt himself compelled to look at Adam, but at the same time he did not want to; he did not want to let himself see Adam.

"Tommy?"

His voice brought Tommy back from his very deep reverie like a beacon in the night. He shook his head slowly, trying to pull away from the cobwebs that seemed to haunt him. Focus came back to his eyes, the floor visible under the bright light of the sub-ground. He could still feel Adam’s eyes on him and Tommy let himself fall under his spell.

When Tommy’s eyes met Adam’s, his heart soared. His dazzling blue eyes were everything to Tommy. It was exactly what he needed whenever he felt that lost, that dead. His warm smile, the real one, not the one meant for the cameras or the fans, filled Tommy’s heart with infinite emotions that seemed to sum up in only one word: Love.

Finally, Tommy let himself smile. He knew his eyes were clearer and that his dimples were showing. He knew his head was tilted slightly to the side; and he knew, like he knew he loved Adam, that his heart was dancing in his chest. All of that, just because Adam looked at him.

"You coming?"

Adam’s voice sounded perfectly loud and clear in Tommy’s inner ears, like they had finally popped. The sound brought another wave of emotion to Tommy’s already overloaded heart. He did not know if he could stop that rollercoaster of comfort. He did not even know if he wanted to.

Tommy nodded slowly, afraid that if he moved too suddenly, he would lose that sheer bliss he was experiencing. Walking over to Adam, like Tommy knew it was his fate, he put the strap of the guitar over his shoulder.

Adam grasped his hand, his fingers brushing the inside of Tommy’s wrist, and pulled him to where everyone was waiting.

Tommy’s heart did a somersault and he remembered that was it. That was worth every  
moment of hurt, every stab of pain; every look and kiss not meant for him. That was worth everything; those teeny bitsy moments that marked and scarred his heart.

Adam was worth everything. He was all things amazing. He was what mattered. Not the pain and not the solitude. Tommy could deal with that. He could handle that.

Just by looking at him, just by being with him, Tommy was fine.

Maybe that was not what he always dreamed of. Maybe that was not exactly what he expected of his life. Maybe it was not what the rest would want or accept. But, for Tommy, for now, it was enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this. I hope you liked it. I sure enjoyed writing this story.


End file.
